Still Soul Searching

Ok, I think I suck at this whole Serious Soul Searching thing.  I’ve been thinking about it this whole past week and I haven’t come up with much.  I think I need a “for Dummies” book on it cuz I just don’t know where to start.  

The first thing I’m supposed to be figuring out is what kind of a tree I am or what is my place and function.  If we stick with the tree analogy I think I’m an Aspen.  I’m flexible and strong so I’m not easily broken.  I’m good for work but also for relaxing and enjoying the breeze.  I like thinking about the Aspen tree but what good is that really?  Hmmmm, none!

So moving on, you can find anything online right? so why not the answer to this?  So I google “what is my place in life?”  One thing asks What do you want to be when you grow up? but that’s really no help. In my personal life I always wanted to find someone to love, who would love me. My husband and I celebrate our 29th anniversary at the end of this week so I’ve succeeded in having the loving relationship that I really wanted to find.  We weren’t able to have children but that’s never really bothered me.  

Professionally, I never had a burning passion to be… well, anything really. Weirdly enough I do have a strong interest in early childhood development but that’s more of an interest in the scientific process of brain development and not so much an interest in children themselves. I’ve never pursued a career in that because without a Masters degree the job prospects kind of suck and I’m not ever going to have a degree, certainly not a Masters.  

Another site in my google search approaches the question from a different angle, “Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.  Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.    

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body.”

Finding Your Place, Todd Bailey

http://www.toddbailey.org/articles/yourplace.htm

The good Reverend Bailey says that he believes that we are here on earth to fulfill God’s purposes. I also believe essentially that same thing. For example, I think if we would all do just a little to help each other out when we are able to, this world would be a much better place to live. I think that is fulfilling God’s purpose on earth. Many people are always saying that God should do this or stop that but what if WE were put here by God to help others and our helping would do this and stop that. The problem there being that we aren’t holding up our end of the work.  

This gives me a different perspective on this whole “finding my place & purpose” thing.  I feel that it ties into the Tao very well tho.  The Tao is very spiritual and about natural laws and getting in touch with our inner spirit. Actually if I found this leading me away from God I would stop immediately.  I currently don’t go to church and such but I do consider myself to be spiritual.  I absolutely believe in God and I think bringing Him into this is maybe what I need to do at this point.  

I’ve been looking at it in a very small, selfish, temporal way.  Should I be working here or there?  Doing this or that?  Is my purpose to help students at the U or to help the poor at the Housing Authority?  When really perhaps the question is much larger, more abstract than that.  I’m going to take a few days to pray and ponder to see what kind of answers or promptings I get.  I’ll be back - (said in my best gruff Terminator voice.)

Cottlestone Pie

Mmmmm, pie!  I’m going to like this chapter.

Cottlestone Pie is a song that Pooh sings, I had forgotten about it.  Now I’m all excited for pie - maybe on the way home from work.  Anyway, turns out the song is kind of an allegory to deliver the message that we must accept ourselves - our inner nature.  Recognize our limitations and try to direct them in productive ways.

“A fly can’t bird, but a bird can fly.”  No square pegs in round holes.  Things Are As They Are.  Hoff relates a selection from the writings of Chuang-tse.  Hui-tse tells Chuang-tse that he has a large, crooked, tough tree.  It can’t be used for lumber so it’s useless. Hui-tse compares this tree to the teachings of Chuang-tse, useless and without value.

Chuang-tse replies that the tree could be used for shade, to rest and shelter under it’s branches. He tells Hui-tse that they only reason the tree is useless to him is because he’s trying to make it into something it isn’t instead of using it in its proper way.  

So we all have our place and function and when we know and respect our Inner Nature we will know where we belong and where we don’t belong.  This sounds so simple but it’s really super complicated.  Am I unhappy at my job because I’m trying to force myself to be something I’m not?  There are a lot of things about my job that I really like.  It wasn’t till my boss started being a big round hole that I started feeling frustration at work.  I feel that I have to walk on egg shells around my co-workers because they’re super sensitive OR am I really abrasive?  NOTE: Serious Soul Searching needed

“A fish can’t whistle and neither can I.” Understanding that you have limitations and knowing what they are.  This doesn’t mean we don’t try to improve on some of those limitations.  

“Once you face and understand your limitations, you can work with them, instead of having them work against you and get in your way, which is what they do when you ignore them, whether you realize it or not. And then you will find that, in many cases, your limitations can be your strengths.”  The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff

NOTE: More Serious Soul Searching needed

So, to summarize - what am I looking for in my soul?. I am looking for my place and function.  Am I a tree that should be used for lumber or am I tree that should be used for shade and resting under?  

Next, what are my limitations and how can I best work with them?  

Damn!  This is hard work! Here I was getting excited for pie and now I just have stupid hard work. BLEAH!

Being an Uncarved, Nonscholar, Smiling Vinegar Taster

Over the Father’s Day weekend I tried to BE all that I read about last week.  I tried to approach things with more of an openmind, positive, relaxed attitude.  I tried to just allow things to be what they are without trying to label them or make them fit into my preconceived boxes.  I wanted to let the spirit of the Tao fill me up and alter my approach on life.  

I’m not sure how successful I was but I gave it a sincere try and considering it hadn’t even been a week since I started this process I feel like I did a pretty good job.  There were a couple of specific things that I’d like to mention.  

Friday morning I had just finished getting ready for work and I was walking from the bedroom out to get my purse and head out the door when I heard water running.  My first thought was that my dog was peeing on something but he’s a little guy so I quickly dismissed that and moved on to did I leave a faucet running?  No, they appear to be turned off so I follow the sound to the source, and there it is!  

The little hose that runs from the utility room up to the swamp cooler on the roof is laying in the middle of the floor gushing water full blast all over the floor!!  I leaped into action, jumped the gate across the door (it keeps the dog out but the cat can go use her facilities) and grabbed the hose.  In my head if I held it up in the air the water would stop coming out.  That obviously didn’t work, so for about a second I was some sort of fountain statue holding the hose in the air as water gurgled out of it.  Then I thought if I cover it, but of course all that did was spray the water all around.  Finally I reached rational thought again and ran over to the valve to shut the water to this hose off.  DUH!

So that was an exciting, adrenaline packed few seconds to get me started on my day.  My initial reaction was, “Shit, another damn problem with the house.  It seems like it never ends, we just get one thing fixed and something else goes wrong.  WTF!  Will it never end?”.   So I was grumbling as I walked out the door but then quickly forgot all about it once I got to work.

Later that evening as I was telling my husband what had happened I remembered the Tao and that I should try to view this from a different perspective.  On Tuesday of last week I learned,

“In the painting, why is Lao-tse smiling? After all, that vinegar that represents life must certainly have an unpleasant taste...but through working in harmony with life’s circumstances, Taoist understanding changes...negative into something positive. ...sourness and bitterness come from the interfering and unappreciative mind.  Life itself, when understood and utilized for what it is, is sweet.  That is the message of The Vinegar Tasters.”  The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Huff

I remembered the bit about changing something negative into something positive so I started rethinking things.  So, the hose came loose and poured some water all over the floor but the good news is that it happened 5 min BEFORE I left the house instead of 5 min AFTER.  That’s a biggie because as it was, it only left a smallish puddle of water that was easily wiped up.  If it had happened just after leaving it would have dumped gallons and gallons of water before I got home from work (3-4 gallons of water per hour x 9 hours = 27-36 gallons of water).  It would have been a catastrophe of epic proportions!  

More good news is that my husband had just gotten back from a trip the day before so he was home to get up on the roof and reconnect the hose.  Cuz no way am I gettin up on dat roof!  And finally, up until two months ago turning off the water to that hose was a needle valve that had to be turned, turned, and turned before the water would turn off. Just two months ago a plumber friend of mine replaced our water heater and some of the old bubble gum fixes that had been added over the years.  He replaced that needle valve with a T valve that turns off with a simple quarter turn.  So once I finally came to my senses and realized that I needed to turn off the water it was really easy to do.  

I started to see this as an opportunity to be grateful.  It also made me look back at other things that have happened in the past that I thought were horrible but now as I looked at it thru a different perspective I realize that they happened at the perfect time or in the perfect way. Perhaps these have all been learning opportunities that I’ve been missing.  There are bound to be problems come up in life but rather than looking at them negatively I can start looking at them positively.  God has blessed me to have had these problems at just the right time or in just the right way that has made them easier to deal with. I am also grateful to have my husband and friends to help with these problems. The idea that problems can be a blessing is a little bit of an epiphany for me.

The other thing that happened was on Saturday.  We had planned to go to a small outdoor concert Sat night but as the day progressed the weather was cool and just not what you would want for an outdoor concert.  My husband suggested that we change our plans and do something else.  I can be quite set on plans once they’re made but the water hose incident Friday had the Tao in the forefront of my mind so I decided to let things happen naturally and not force it. Going to the concert that night would have been fighting the weather/nature.  We went ahead and did what my husband had suggested and had a wonderful night.

This isn’t great progress and it took awhile for the Tao way of thinking to even penetrate my brain but it’s a start.  A well known Lao-tse quote applies here, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Spelling Tuesday

Friday, 6/13/14 Spelling Tuesday

In this chapter Hoff and Pooh discuss the “Confusionist Desicated Scholar”.  I work at a University so I see a lot of desicated scholars.  Those who are well educated but not very smart.  Right in my own family I have a sister who spent many, many years in college becoming a professor.  She was always top of the class, Suma Cum Laude or whatever it is.  So she’s very well educated but in practical day to day life she can't think her way out of a paper bag.  No common sense whatsoever.  

Hoff is saying that the translations of the Tao that we in the West have access to have been written by these scholars who really only value that which can be documented, labeled and scientifically proven.  How can someone like that begin to understand, let alone translate the abstract, spiritually broad meanings of the Tao Te Ching?  No one can really understand it fully but at least if you approach it from a place of exploration and realizing right from the start that you won’t completely understand it there may be a better chance of you getting the spirit of the meaning.  

This gives me hope that I may get a lot more out of this year of the Tao than I had thought a few days ago.  In the first chapter Hoff says, “A basic principle of Lao-tse’s teaching was that this Way of the Universe could not be adequately described in words, and that it would be insulting both to its unlimited power and to the intelligent human mind to attempt to do so.  Still, it’s nature could be understood, and those who cared the most about it, and the life from which it was inseparable, understood it best.”

So perhaps someone like me; someone who is ok with not knowing how everything works, someone who doesn’t try to “prove” everything scientifically, is best suited to try to get a handle on the nature or the spirit of the Tao.  As I’ve mentioned I don’t read education books but I’m certainly not stupid.  Perhaps I’m not as clever as Pooh but I’ve got good old fashioned common sense and an ability to figure stuff out.  

Since I work at a university I am frequently made to feel inadequate because I don’t have, not do I aspire to have, a degree of any sort.  I’m a secretary, a damn good secretary and the world would fall apart without all of us damn good secretaries!  Rant complete.

I’m glad that it’s Wayne Dyers translation of the Tao Te Ching that I plan on studying because I feel like he is a little more in touch with the natural and spiritual side of life. I’ve only watched one 3 hr show by him but he didn’t seem like a Confusionist Desicated Scholar.  One thing Hoff mentions is that in the Western translation of the Tao they never offer any practical ways of putting the teachings into use in ones real life but Dyer does suggest ways of putting it into practice and encourages you to take time to do so before moving on to the next part.  

I’m feeling more excited and more positive that this year will be an amazing adventure quest and not just a dry, boring study of high brow ideas that I don’t understand.

“Those who know are not broad of knowledge

Those who are broad of knowledge do not know”  Chapter 81, Tao Te Ching

The Tao of Who?

In this chapter of The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff introduces the concept of the Uncarved Block or P’u.  “The essence of the principle of the Uncarved Block is that things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed.”  

The first image that leaps to mind is of course a child.  A child is the epitome of an Uncarved Block that is doomed to become a carved block as they grow up.  In Stephen King’s IT the group of pre-teens are able to confront IT because they are still children enough to have a connection to that essential power that children have.  The power of innocence and unspoiledness.  I think it’s that power that IT feeds on but when they get together as a group they’re able to turn it on the monster. Maybe it doesn’t apply here but I just love that book so much!

There are so many things that are so special and wonderful when you’re a child but once you’ve reached a certain age you lose touch with that feeling.  When I was a kid I used to get so excited about going to the local amusement park. The excitement would build for days and the night before I couldn’t even sleep for thinking of it, planning all the rides I would ride and things I would eat. This excitement continued till I was about 13-14.  Then I didn’t go for a few years.  I’m sure my family continued to go but I probably felt that I was to old to go with the little kids.  So when I was about 17 I went with some friends and it was so not the same. It was a moment when I realized that by moving from childhood to adulthood I was losing something precious. It was many years ago but I remember it very clearly.

Hoff relates a part of Pooh’s story where he, Piglet and Rabbit are trying to find home but they keep going in circles and ending up at a sand pit.  As they have a rest at the sand pit Pooh says, “How would it be if, as soon as we’re out of sight of this Pit, we try to find it again?”

“What’s the good of that?” said Rabbit.

“Well,” said Pooh, “we keep looking for Home and not finding it, so I thought that is we looked for this Pit, we’d be sure not to find it, which would be a Good Thing, because then we might find something that we weren’t looking for, which might be just what we were looking for, really.”

“I don’t see much sense in that.” said Rabbit.  

Rabbit the thinker doesn’t see sense in Pooh’s idea but how many times have you not been able to find the answer to a question, remember something, or just find an object and it’s not until you quit thinking about it so hard and move on to something else that it suddenly comes to you quite easily.  Maybe that is an example of us getting in touch with the P’u or Pooh inside of us.  

When we stop trying to hard, thinking so much and trying to force it - we’re then able to just allow things to happen.  As I’ve already mentioned I’m not big on thinking to much so hopefully this won’t be to hard for me to get in touch with my inner Pooh.  

The How of Pooh

WARNING - What I write is basically just a stream of consciousness as I read and may not make a lot of sense and I jump from one thought to another as they pop into my head.

In this first chapter of the The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff explains to Pooh what Taoism is.  To do this he talks of a painting called, The Vinegar Tasters.  Not being familiar with this painting I pulled it up on my computer and found a Pooh version that I like.

The three men in the painting represent the three teachings of China; Confucious, Buddha, and Lao-tse as they sample the essence of life.  Confucious (Rabbit) and Buddha (Eeyore) are both pulling faces due to the bad taste of the essence of life.  Confucious finds life to be very sour.  He is described as being very stuck in the past and he deals with this by being very OCD about ancient rituals; court music, prescribed steps, actions, and phrases.  “If the mat was not straight, the Master would not sit”

This way of thinking reminds me of a lot of people in the world who are very old-fashioned and believe that if we would all start doing things the way they were done 50 years ago all the worlds problems would be solved.  As if the world had no problems 50 years ago.  

Buddha finds life to be very bitter.  He seems to be quite a Gloomy Gus. Seeing life as being full of traps, illusions and pain.  Someone must have hurt him badly when he was young.  The only way to find peace is to transcend the world and reach Nirvana or a state of “no wind”.  I often wish my husband could reach a state of no wind.  I would certainly find life more peaceful.  

This reminds me of the way religion was for hundreds of years.  Now I’m no Theologian, I only know what I’ve read in novels but I love stories based in the Middle Ages and such.  Religion of that time is always described as teaching that God is basically out to get us and Satan is really out to get us so between the two there are traps and illusions aplenty.  They’re constantly trying to trip us up and cause us pain. In fact, some believed that pain actually brought them closer to God.  They would inflict pain on themselves by whipping their own backs or putting straps with little spikes on them around their thighs.  CAA-RAY-ZEEE

Now Lao-tse smiles as he tastes the essence of life.  He believes that all of heaven and earth are run by the same natural laws.  It’s when we fight against these laws, when we try to force things to go our way instead of just relaxing and letting things be - these are the times that we cause ourselves trouble and pain.

The image this brings up in my mind is one of two rivers; one is raging whitewater, forcing it’s way across the land, destroying anything that gets in it’s way.  This river is filled with the debris of all that it has destroyed and just continually smashed itself against itself, over and over.  It runs in a straight line but is unstable and agitated.  The second river is calm and smooth.  It runs swift and deep but it meanders across the land taking a natural path.  This river is full of clean, clear water and fish are plentiful.  It’s path is winding but this river is harmonious and serene.

“In the painting, why is Lao-tse smiling? After all, that vinegar that represents life must certainly have an unpleasant taste...but through working in harmony with life’s circumstances, Taoist understanding changes...negative into something positive. ...sourness and bitterness come from the interfering and unappreciative mind.  Life itself, when understood and utilized for what it is, is sweet.  That is the message of The Vinegar Tasters.”  The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Huff

“the basic Taoism that we are concerned with here is simply a particular way of appreciating, learning from, and working with whatever happens in everyday life.”  This perfectly sums up what I’m hoping to get out of this year of studying the Tao.  

Introduction

Sunday - June 8, 2014

I’m keeping my real name off this because I want to be able to write about people in my life without worrying about what anyone may think.  Sorcha Kira is gaelic for light dark which seems an appropriate name for me as I learn the Tao.

My first introduction to the Tao Te Ching was in a little book I found on a clearance table at a book store, The Tao of Pooh, written by Benjamin Hoff.  The back cover says, "While Eeyore frets...and Piglet hesitates...and Rabbit calculates...and Owl pontificates...Pooh just is.  And that's a clue to the secret wisdom of the Taoists."  

I had heard of the Tao Te Ching briefly before but it just sounded way to deep for me. Generally in my life I have stayed away from things that require excessive thinking.  I love to read but I enjoy novels over educational books.  I watch TV but I'm more likely to watch The Big Bang Theory or The Mentalist than something on PBS or CNN.  

The Tao of Pooh was perfect for me because it talks of the Tao in an easy to understand way.  It kept it light and fun just like Pooh always has been.  Last week by some fluke I was actually watching PBS and I saw part of show with Wayne Dyer whom I found very interesting.  

I went to my local library to see what they had from him and I found “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life - Living the Wisdom of the Tao”.  After studying many translations of the Tao, Dr. Dyer goes through each of the 81 passages of the Tao and gives his thoughts on each as well as suggestions of how you can start putting each of these teachings to work in your day to day life.  

At the beginning he says that you should read thru one passage and ponder it, write about it, put it to work in your life before continuing on to the next passage. I opened this blog so I can journal my way thru this journey over the next year as I spend time studying the Tao Te Ching and do my best to make it a part of my life.  

Right now I’m very happy in my personal life.  I dearly love my husband and he loves me.  He is very good to me and makes me feel that I’m the most important person in his life.  

I have a good relationship with the rest of my family as well.  I don’t have a lot of friends but I really enjoy the friends I do have.  I really enjoy socializing but I also really like my down time at home without visitors.

My work life is not so cheery. My boss is a big bosshole.  I made a mistake last fall and ever since that happened he treats me like crap.  It doesn’t matter than I didn’t do it on purpose or that he wouldn’t even know about it if I hadn’t told him.  I screwed up and now I’m getting crap for all kinds of things, anything he can come up with.  

I also work with a couple of looney coworkers.  One of them is an older lady who is ultra-super-sensitive.  She’s part-time in the morning and my student assistant works part-time in the afternoon and sits at the same desk.  My assistant was leaving her office supplies at the desk. Everyday when she came in this one item was on the floor in the corner. One day I asked the older lady if there wasn’t some place on the desk for my assistants things. She said it cluttered up her desk and the only place to keep it was on the floor.  

I got a little frustrated and I think I said something like, “I’m sorry but I thought you could make room for one little book”.  I didn’t yell but I did have a frustrated tone of voice I’m sure.  So she started crying!  Crying for petes sake!  She told my boss that I attacked her and she had to go down the hall to make me stop which is total BS.  Of course he believed her and not me.  Now I’ve been told that if I upset her again I’ll be fired on the spot.  It’s ridiculous so I basically try to not even talk to her at all. But that’s hard for me because I’m a talker.

I’m looking for another job but there aren’t many out there that meet my requirements.  I know partly why I’m being so picky is that I don’t really want a different job.  I work at a university and I love working with the students.  I do my best to help them thru all the pitfalls of a college education.  I don’t want to just work in a random office where I can’t really help people.  So my work life is the source of a lot of stress right now.  

I’m hoping that this study and application of the Tao Te Ching will help me get clear insight into myself to make my life better in both personal and work aspects.  If I can get a more clear vision of what I want and how it all fits into the grand scheme of things I may be more able to deal with the stress of these crazy ass people at work.  

I’m going to start with re-reading The Tao of Pooh.  I enjoyed it the first time and I think the light hearted intro to the Tao is a good place to start.  This blog is where I will come after each reading to write down my thoughts and ideas.  I’ll also be logging my experiences as I try to put these teachings into practice in my life.