I'm baaaaack!

Holy crap!  Two months since I was last here.  I had a graduation and a new class starting at work.  Then we had a weeks vacation planned for Sept and I had a LOT to do to make sure everything could carry on while I was gone.  Heaven knows my boss has no idea what to do with most of the situations that are in my purview.  His job is mainly to go to meetings which my opinion is better him than me.  My job is to actually keep the program functional and help the students successfully complete on a day to day basis.

Regarding my goals which I have not forgotten about

1)  I have contacted every animal rescue type organization around here and unless I can volunteer for regular business hours or in SLC they don’t need me.  I’m sort of thinking that since there isn’t a rescue group in my county I would like to start one but I’m afraid that would require far more time than I have available plus I have no idea where to even begin.  

2)  I have improved on this one for sure but I still have room to improve.  Being on vaca has really thrown me off and I haven’t tracked or eaten very well but now it’s back to routine till Thanksgiving.  I had gotten a fitness tracker and it was really helping me, motivating me to work out more but then the stupid thing broke.  It just fell the fuck apart!  I hadn’t even had it a week.  They’re supposed to be replacing it but I haven’t rec’d the new one yet.  During the week that I had it I went over to the campus gym one afternoon and rode an exercycle for 30 min.  That night my BSL tested under 100 for the first time ever!  

I really feel like the fitness tracker helps me work naturally within my limitations.  With it I was able to relax and without struggle I was able to workout and significantly improve my BSL.  Perhaps by opening myself up to such things I can find other things to help me in similar ways.  Universe consider me open to suggestions!

Limitations vs Faults

Tracking my initial goals real quick

1. Finding an animal related organization that I can volunteer with.

I did a search online for animal rescue groups in my area.  The Humane Society only needs volunteers during regular business hours and I work full time so I’m afraid that’s out.  The other big rescue group only advertises volunteering in the big city I live near.  It’s about 30-40 min away so it would be hard to go that far and volunteer for a couple of hours in the evening.  I filled out an info request and I’m waiting to hear back.  Hopeful that if they don’t have a group here in my area they can suggest someone who does.  If not maybe I need to start one.  

2. Getting a good handle on diabetes. Track it better!  Eat better!

Just yesterday I started a Sparkpeople Diabetes Control Challenge.  I think it should help me get focused and stay on course.  I am doing better at tracking and taking my meds.  Pretty good at eating but a girl brought donuts to work today and I had one.  Gah!!  Damn the donuts and their delicious sprinkles.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about these goals and limitations.  A big part of this is not trying to force things and letting my true nature come out.  I don’t feel like any of the limitations that I wrote down last time are anything that I can work with or anything that could turn out to be a strength.  Mostly they are things that I need to stop doing so am I looking at this all wrong?  By trying to stop doing these things am I fighting against my true nature?  But if I don’t stop these things; no follow thru, procrastination and lack of impulse control - how am I ever going to improve and grow as a person?  But maybe these things are fundamental faults and not limitations.  I’m really confused and I feel like I’m doing this part wrong.  I wonder what the definition of each word is.

Limitation - something that limits one's freedom of action or choice - condition, restraint

Fault - a defect in character - shortcoming, weakness

Ok, so yes, the main points that I listed last time are faults and not limitations.  Limitations are things that limit my freedom of action or choice.  What things limit my choices?  My inability to function in the morning for sure.  Being bad at math limits my choices to some extent.  My fitness level is poor; I can’t run very far at all.  I can’t be out in the heat for very long or I get quite sick.

So I’m off to Google - What are my limitations in life?  The first thing I click on is Quotes about limitations. Most of them are nonsense but this one is good

“Your limitations are largely programming instilled by others that you choose to believe.”

― Gary Hopkins

Hmmmm, instilled by others?  What would those be?  

“Effort within the mind further limits the mind, because effort implies struggle towards a goal and when you have a goal, a purpose, an end in view, you have placed a limit on the mind.”

― Bruce Lee, Tao of Jeet Kune Do

This confuses me more.  How can I identify and try to work with my limitations without effort within the mind?   I can’t have goals?  If not then what?  And who’s this Jeet Kune Do?

“Great sex is all about freedom and being everything you’ve always wanted to be. Know now that the only limits you have in regards to your own sexuality are the ones you impose on yourself.”

― Roberto Hogue, Real Secrets of Sex: A Women's Guide on How to Be Good in Bed

This one makes more sense to me.  I can relate to it.  When I was young I was super self conscious about how I looked naked, even tho I looked great!  I thought I was fat so during sex I was always aware of how was he seeing me, what position was I in, how much light was there, how well can he see me?  It was distracting and didn’t allow me to enjoy sex as much as I should have.  

It wasn’t until after about 15 years of marriage that I finally got comfortable with myself, my body and who I am that I could be naked with my husband in full light.  FIFTEEN YEARS!!!!  I let go of the limitations that I had put on myself and my sexualtiy and allowed myself to just relax and enjoy.  I was only able to let go when I accepted myself.  So how does that translate to my other limitations?  I’m not sure.

A lot of sites talking about limitations are discussing physical limitations after surgery or illness.  One woman says that after her surgery she was pushing herself to continue doing all that she had been doing before surgery and she just wasn’t able to keep up.  When she accepted that she wasn’t able to do everything she had done before and started working within those limitations she started healing quicker and feeling more energy.  

So if I look at this from that angle combined with ‘things that limit my choices’?  No surgery but just life in general -

• If I don’t stay busy in the evening I just want to sleep.  
• I am grumpy and groggy in the morning till about 11am.
• I have a hard time going to bed before midnight.
• My fitness level is poor; I can’t run very far at all.  
• I can’t be out in the heat for very long or I get quite sick.
• I need down time to be by myself - over socializing makes me bitchy
• I have diabetes so I must be careful of what I eat.
• I don’t have a lot of money so I be careful of what I spend.

That makes a lot more sense to me now.  These are the only things that come easily to mind but I’d say it’s enough to start.  So I should relax and accept that I have diabetes and cannot eat whatever I want.  I’m not rich and cannot spend whatever I want.  Etc, etc, etc.  I’ve never journaled before but this writing things down really helps me work thru my thoughts in a way that I can’t do when just randomly thinking.  Talking about it would most likely be effective too but no one is going to want to talk to me about this stuff.  Maybe a counselor but “I am not rich and cannot spend whatever I want”.  Anyone else would be bored out of their mind and beat me to death just to get me to shut it, so that’s not a good option.  I’ll stick with the blog/journal thing.

Limitations and Focus

The other part of Cottlestone Pie that I need to work on is, "What are my limitations and how can I best work with them".  First I need to identify my limitations.  This requires clear insight to who I am and that’s a hard thing to really be sure I have.  I like to think I do but….?  So, here I go

1. I am not a morning person.  I mean really, really not a morning person.
2. I am selfish sometimes.  Not always, I have done a lot for others but I do have a selfish streak.  I won’t pretend it isn’t there.
3. No follow thru.  I am a world champ at starting things and quitting within a short time.  I swear that this Year of Tao is going to be different.  
4. Procrastination.  This goes along with #3. It runs in the family but I think I am the worst about it.  
5. I am really bad at math.  Again, reallly, really bad at math.
6. Weak impulse control.  If I can resist an impulse for a short time I can get past it but I’m not always good at resisting.  

I think these are my main faults/limitations.  Now, how can I work with them?  How can I make them work for me?  

1. I have already worked my life around this somewhat by maneuvering myself into a job that I don’t have to be at till a bit later in the day.  I think I can work with it and maybe even make it work for me a bit by not planning things for early morning.  I think accepting the fact that 6am spinning classes are not going to happen and instead work with it by doing stuff in the evening instead.  
2. I don’t think it’s possible to make selfishness work for me so how can I best work with it?  Maybe again, I need to recognize this and examine the things I do, the decisions I make for this selfishness and make sure that I’m not letting it rule me.
3. For 3,4 & 6 I don’t really think there’s any working with it.  I need to exercise some self control and discipline to put a stop to it.  Of course for someone with follow thru & impulse control problems, as well as major procrastination issues this is easier said than done.  I have tried this before, many times.  Perhaps my study of the Tao this year will help me reach these goals.  
4. Contrary to what they tell you in school, you don’t really need math that often in life.  I mean I can balance the checking account and such so I honestly don’t see this as a huge issue.  

Hey, this is really working!  I’ve organized my thoughts way better by getting it all down on paper.  

Generally I need to do the following;

1. I need to recognize and acknowledge my limitations.  
2. Set myself up to succeed by making plans that work with said limitations.  
3. Finally I need to push myself to gain self control and discipline.  This will allow me to do what I need to do to make myself better, make my life better.  

Specifically my immediate focus will be on;

1. Finding an animal related organization that I can volunteer with.
2. Getting a good handle on diabetes. Track it better!  Eat better!

I’m not sure if this thing I’m doing is really a blog, more like a journal but whatever it is I think this is really helping me stay on track, keep my mind focused on what I’m wanting to do and generally getting my thoughts organized to narrow that focus.  I doubt that anyone will ever read this but me because it would be awfully boring but as long as it helps me complete this Year of Tao quest then it’s well worth it.

Answer Received

Here I am, two weeks later and I believe that I have received at least a partial answer to the question of “what is my place and purpose”.  During the week of June 23-27 I was inundated with stories and images of animals (dogs) in distress caused by humans.  First I had a very vivid dream that I was at a convenience store and there was a couple there with two med sized dogs.  Out front of the store there was someone with an adorable little puppy; all fluffy and cute!  

The couple want this puppy but they already have the two other dogs and they don’t want three dogs.  Finally they decide to get rid of the two dogs they have so they can have the cute puppy.  As a bystander I was disgusted by this attitude but didn’t say anything to them and I went into the convenience store.  

As I was walking out the door I heard them tell their dogs, “You’re free now, go on” as they disconnected the leashes.  Both dogs turned immediately and started running thru the parking lot directly toward the busy street.  Without thinking I called to the dogs so they would come to me, which they did.  Then I turned on the couple standing there with their fluffy little puppy.  I told them that dogs are not disposable items that can be tossed aside when you see a cute puppy.  I asked them how they thought the dogs they released were going to find food and shelter.  I told them that they weren’t deserving of the honor of owning a dog. A dog will lay down it’s life for it’s human but they were going to just release them into the city to die a horrible death under the wheels of a car or from starvation.  

My dreams are usually not nearly so detailed and I rarely remember them with any kind of clarity so I felt that this dream had a significant message.  That same day firefighters were called to a trail above my city where a dog walker had two dogs collapse from the heat.  Temps were in the 90s and they had hiked 2-3 miles up this trail in little to no shade.  By the time the firefighters got there one of the dogs had already died but they were able to give the other one fluids and carry it down on a stretcher.  As far as I know this second dog lived.

There was also the story from AZ where the power had gone out overnight and 20 dogs died of the heat at a boarding facility.  They claim the dogs were fine at 11pm and were all dead by 5:30am.  IF the dogs had water and were in a well ventilated building I find this unlikely. People have lived in this area with no air conditioning for hundreds of years without dying so why would these dogs all die within a few short hours?  

The following day firefighters were called out to rescue a dog that neighbors had noticed on a 3rd floor balcony of an apartment.  Again, very hot temps and this Shepherd was in full sun and had been left out with NO WATER whatsoever.  The neighbors had tried to get the dog water but it was the 3rd floor.  The firefighters put up a ladder and got to the balcony.  They got the sliding door open and took the dog out thru the apartment on a stretcher to get it to an emergency vet.  The dog died overnight.

Elsewhere in the city someone left their dog in the car for 20 min while they went into a store.  People had called the police who broke the window to get the dog out.  

It was just one story after another all week combined with my dream which I now believe were God’s way of telling me that He wants me to help the animals.  The idea that came to me is that if we could educate people about the needs of domestic animals when they’re young perhaps they would carry that knowledge forward into adulthood and be better pet owners.  

I honestly believe that most of this abuse is not done by people who are out to torture and kill animals on purpose.  There are those of course but I think mostly these people are just uneducated people with no common sense to understand how their actions will cause pain and suffering to their pets.  Some don’t seem to fully grasp the concept that these are living creatures and not mearly some kind of object here solely for their pleasure.  

So I’m contacting the local humane society and rescue groups to see about getting involved with their efforts.  Once I get established with them I want to organize a program to visit elementary schools.  I’m thinking if I could talk to kids in 8th grade they would be young enough to still have that youthful enthusiasm for animals and still be old enough to remember this info thru out their life.  

I don’t think this is my only purpose or reason for being but I do believe that this is a way that I can affect change that will make a real difference in the world.  I believe that I was directed toward this by God in answer to my questioning and I’m thankful for this answer.  I shows me that He is paying attention and cares about my little quest to get in touch with my inner self and my purpose.  My tree is a tree of knowledge, offering shelter and protection to those who can’t speak for themselves.

Still Soul Searching

Ok, I think I suck at this whole Serious Soul Searching thing.  I’ve been thinking about it this whole past week and I haven’t come up with much.  I think I need a “for Dummies” book on it cuz I just don’t know where to start.  

The first thing I’m supposed to be figuring out is what kind of a tree I am or what is my place and function.  If we stick with the tree analogy I think I’m an Aspen.  I’m flexible and strong so I’m not easily broken.  I’m good for work but also for relaxing and enjoying the breeze.  I like thinking about the Aspen tree but what good is that really?  Hmmmm, none!

So moving on, you can find anything online right? so why not the answer to this?  So I google “what is my place in life?”  One thing asks What do you want to be when you grow up? but that’s really no help. In my personal life I always wanted to find someone to love, who would love me. My husband and I celebrate our 29th anniversary at the end of this week so I’ve succeeded in having the loving relationship that I really wanted to find.  We weren’t able to have children but that’s never really bothered me.  

Professionally, I never had a burning passion to be… well, anything really. Weirdly enough I do have a strong interest in early childhood development but that’s more of an interest in the scientific process of brain development and not so much an interest in children themselves. I’ve never pursued a career in that because without a Masters degree the job prospects kind of suck and I’m not ever going to have a degree, certainly not a Masters.  

Another site in my google search approaches the question from a different angle, “Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.  Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.    

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body.”

Finding Your Place, Todd Bailey

http://www.toddbailey.org/articles/yourplace.htm

The good Reverend Bailey says that he believes that we are here on earth to fulfill God’s purposes. I also believe essentially that same thing. For example, I think if we would all do just a little to help each other out when we are able to, this world would be a much better place to live. I think that is fulfilling God’s purpose on earth. Many people are always saying that God should do this or stop that but what if WE were put here by God to help others and our helping would do this and stop that. The problem there being that we aren’t holding up our end of the work.  

This gives me a different perspective on this whole “finding my place & purpose” thing.  I feel that it ties into the Tao very well tho.  The Tao is very spiritual and about natural laws and getting in touch with our inner spirit. Actually if I found this leading me away from God I would stop immediately.  I currently don’t go to church and such but I do consider myself to be spiritual.  I absolutely believe in God and I think bringing Him into this is maybe what I need to do at this point.  

I’ve been looking at it in a very small, selfish, temporal way.  Should I be working here or there?  Doing this or that?  Is my purpose to help students at the U or to help the poor at the Housing Authority?  When really perhaps the question is much larger, more abstract than that.  I’m going to take a few days to pray and ponder to see what kind of answers or promptings I get.  I’ll be back - (said in my best gruff Terminator voice.)

Cottlestone Pie

Mmmmm, pie!  I’m going to like this chapter.

Cottlestone Pie is a song that Pooh sings, I had forgotten about it.  Now I’m all excited for pie - maybe on the way home from work.  Anyway, turns out the song is kind of an allegory to deliver the message that we must accept ourselves - our inner nature.  Recognize our limitations and try to direct them in productive ways.

“A fly can’t bird, but a bird can fly.”  No square pegs in round holes.  Things Are As They Are.  Hoff relates a selection from the writings of Chuang-tse.  Hui-tse tells Chuang-tse that he has a large, crooked, tough tree.  It can’t be used for lumber so it’s useless. Hui-tse compares this tree to the teachings of Chuang-tse, useless and without value.

Chuang-tse replies that the tree could be used for shade, to rest and shelter under it’s branches. He tells Hui-tse that they only reason the tree is useless to him is because he’s trying to make it into something it isn’t instead of using it in its proper way.  

So we all have our place and function and when we know and respect our Inner Nature we will know where we belong and where we don’t belong.  This sounds so simple but it’s really super complicated.  Am I unhappy at my job because I’m trying to force myself to be something I’m not?  There are a lot of things about my job that I really like.  It wasn’t till my boss started being a big round hole that I started feeling frustration at work.  I feel that I have to walk on egg shells around my co-workers because they’re super sensitive OR am I really abrasive?  NOTE: Serious Soul Searching needed

“A fish can’t whistle and neither can I.” Understanding that you have limitations and knowing what they are.  This doesn’t mean we don’t try to improve on some of those limitations.  

“Once you face and understand your limitations, you can work with them, instead of having them work against you and get in your way, which is what they do when you ignore them, whether you realize it or not. And then you will find that, in many cases, your limitations can be your strengths.”  The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff

NOTE: More Serious Soul Searching needed

So, to summarize - what am I looking for in my soul?. I am looking for my place and function.  Am I a tree that should be used for lumber or am I tree that should be used for shade and resting under?  

Next, what are my limitations and how can I best work with them?  

Damn!  This is hard work! Here I was getting excited for pie and now I just have stupid hard work. BLEAH!

Being an Uncarved, Nonscholar, Smiling Vinegar Taster

Over the Father’s Day weekend I tried to BE all that I read about last week.  I tried to approach things with more of an openmind, positive, relaxed attitude.  I tried to just allow things to be what they are without trying to label them or make them fit into my preconceived boxes.  I wanted to let the spirit of the Tao fill me up and alter my approach on life.  

I’m not sure how successful I was but I gave it a sincere try and considering it hadn’t even been a week since I started this process I feel like I did a pretty good job.  There were a couple of specific things that I’d like to mention.  

Friday morning I had just finished getting ready for work and I was walking from the bedroom out to get my purse and head out the door when I heard water running.  My first thought was that my dog was peeing on something but he’s a little guy so I quickly dismissed that and moved on to did I leave a faucet running?  No, they appear to be turned off so I follow the sound to the source, and there it is!  

The little hose that runs from the utility room up to the swamp cooler on the roof is laying in the middle of the floor gushing water full blast all over the floor!!  I leaped into action, jumped the gate across the door (it keeps the dog out but the cat can go use her facilities) and grabbed the hose.  In my head if I held it up in the air the water would stop coming out.  That obviously didn’t work, so for about a second I was some sort of fountain statue holding the hose in the air as water gurgled out of it.  Then I thought if I cover it, but of course all that did was spray the water all around.  Finally I reached rational thought again and ran over to the valve to shut the water to this hose off.  DUH!

So that was an exciting, adrenaline packed few seconds to get me started on my day.  My initial reaction was, “Shit, another damn problem with the house.  It seems like it never ends, we just get one thing fixed and something else goes wrong.  WTF!  Will it never end?”.   So I was grumbling as I walked out the door but then quickly forgot all about it once I got to work.

Later that evening as I was telling my husband what had happened I remembered the Tao and that I should try to view this from a different perspective.  On Tuesday of last week I learned,

“In the painting, why is Lao-tse smiling? After all, that vinegar that represents life must certainly have an unpleasant taste...but through working in harmony with life’s circumstances, Taoist understanding changes...negative into something positive. ...sourness and bitterness come from the interfering and unappreciative mind.  Life itself, when understood and utilized for what it is, is sweet.  That is the message of The Vinegar Tasters.”  The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Huff

I remembered the bit about changing something negative into something positive so I started rethinking things.  So, the hose came loose and poured some water all over the floor but the good news is that it happened 5 min BEFORE I left the house instead of 5 min AFTER.  That’s a biggie because as it was, it only left a smallish puddle of water that was easily wiped up.  If it had happened just after leaving it would have dumped gallons and gallons of water before I got home from work (3-4 gallons of water per hour x 9 hours = 27-36 gallons of water).  It would have been a catastrophe of epic proportions!  

More good news is that my husband had just gotten back from a trip the day before so he was home to get up on the roof and reconnect the hose.  Cuz no way am I gettin up on dat roof!  And finally, up until two months ago turning off the water to that hose was a needle valve that had to be turned, turned, and turned before the water would turn off. Just two months ago a plumber friend of mine replaced our water heater and some of the old bubble gum fixes that had been added over the years.  He replaced that needle valve with a T valve that turns off with a simple quarter turn.  So once I finally came to my senses and realized that I needed to turn off the water it was really easy to do.  

I started to see this as an opportunity to be grateful.  It also made me look back at other things that have happened in the past that I thought were horrible but now as I looked at it thru a different perspective I realize that they happened at the perfect time or in the perfect way. Perhaps these have all been learning opportunities that I’ve been missing.  There are bound to be problems come up in life but rather than looking at them negatively I can start looking at them positively.  God has blessed me to have had these problems at just the right time or in just the right way that has made them easier to deal with. I am also grateful to have my husband and friends to help with these problems. The idea that problems can be a blessing is a little bit of an epiphany for me.

The other thing that happened was on Saturday.  We had planned to go to a small outdoor concert Sat night but as the day progressed the weather was cool and just not what you would want for an outdoor concert.  My husband suggested that we change our plans and do something else.  I can be quite set on plans once they’re made but the water hose incident Friday had the Tao in the forefront of my mind so I decided to let things happen naturally and not force it. Going to the concert that night would have been fighting the weather/nature.  We went ahead and did what my husband had suggested and had a wonderful night.

This isn’t great progress and it took awhile for the Tao way of thinking to even penetrate my brain but it’s a start.  A well known Lao-tse quote applies here, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”